Harry Porno and the Sorcerer's Boner
by BatTitan
Summary: This is why we can't have nice things. A guy from my class decided he wanted to write a fanfiction and rewrote the first chapter of the first Harry Potter book, and then said I should publish it so he can see the reviews. I'm mostly publishing it out of my own curiosity as well. Again, remember, I didn't write this and please don't judge my other works based on this.
1. Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived

**Chapter: 1 The Boy Who Lived**

Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number four, Privates Drive, were proud to say that they had nothing to do with wizards. They thought that wizards were perverts, running around and exposing their wands everywhere.

Mr. Dursley was a director of a firm called Gruntings, which made dildos. All day long, he'd make the dildos and then test it, on his sex slaves. He was a big man, in more ways than one, and had a moustache. Moustaches were very manly and a turn-on for many. Mrs. Dursley has no significance in this storyline; therefore, there would be no point to elaborate about her, other than the fact that she is a skank and a BDSM slave. The Dursleys had a small son called Fugley and in their opinion there was no finer name.

Like every celebrity family, they have a secret. The Pornos. No, not the various sex tapes they had made over the years. Those were out in the open and in fact, considered to be the most popular sex tapes on various pornographic sites. The Pornos were related to the Dursleys and had a small son though the Dursleys had never seen him.

When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up after having sex last night, Mr. Dursley went to work and Mrs. Dursley spanked Fugley. As Mr. Dursley left, he gave Mrs. Dursley a bitch slap, and tried to molest Fugley, but Fugley was too busy screwing a Barney doll. He got into his car and drove away.

As he was driving, he saw a cat reading a map. Mr. Dursley thought nothing was strange. After all, he was on marijuana. He also saw people in cloaks. However, as previously stated he was on marijuana and thought nothing of it. Marijuana is one hell of a drug.

After spending eight hours working and creating dildos, Mr. Dursley went home. It was a productive day. He sodomized seven boys, raped eight girls, and surprised buttsexed his secretary. When he got home, he saw the cat again. Too bad he was taking shrooms and thought the cat was a fan girl and raped it.

On the other hand, Mrs. Dursley had a normal day. She taught Fugley a new word ("Buttsex!") among other slightly more promiscuous things. She sold her body for some marijuana for Mr. Dursley and did some other kinky stuff. She was putting away her nipple clamps and handcuffs when Mr. Dursley walked in.

Mr. Dursley said, "The weirdest things happened to me today. I saw people wearing cloaks and I screwed a cat. It was surprisingly good."

Mrs. Dursley answered, "I thought that was everyday for you. Well, at least screwing the animal part. As for the cloaks, it is probably a new fashion trend. You know those blasted teens are always creating new fads."

Mr. Dursley turned to watch the evening news. "There has been a lot of weird stuff happening today. Many citizens have spotted people wearing cloaks and creating showers of sperm everywhere. It could be the KKK. In other news, a lot of owls have been spotted in daylight. Also, I'm not wearing any underwear," said random reporter. "Now Dave, where were we?"

"Holy shit!" exclaimed Mr. Dursley. He turned to Mrs. Dursley. "Could this be related to your sister, Mrs. Porno?"

Mrs. Dursley screamed, "I told you not to mention my sister ever. She is related to a crowd that no one should be a part of."

Mr. Dursley asked inquisitively, "You mean the Twilight fan club?"

Mrs. Dursley replied, "Actually I was talking about wizards and stuff, but that works as well. Now shut the hell up and make me a sandwich!"

Mr. Dursley questioned, "Wait, shouldn't I be the one saying that?"

Mrs. Dursley exclaimed, "Oh, just come over here and sleep with me! I swear I won't leave the bed in the middle of the night to sleep with the mailman again."

Later that night, as everybody was sleeping or to busy having sex or doing drugs, an old man appeared out of nowhere. He was tall, thin, and very old, judging by his white hair. He was wearing pink robes, and high heels. His blue eyes were gorgeous. He was also carrying a pimp cane. His name was Albus Dumblewhore.

Albus Dumblewhore then looked at the cat and said, "Fancy seeing your old ass here you slut."

He turned to smile and pimp slap the cat, but the cat transformed into a severe-looking woman who was wearing glass and a cloak. She looked annoyed.

"How the fuck did you know it was me?"

"My dear whore, I've never seen a cat before, except when I'm on LSD," stated Dumblewhore. "Also, in my presence McGonagall, you refer to me as your daddy."

Professor McGonagall tried to pull out her wand and blast Dumblewhore, but Dumblewhore was just too fast and surprised buttsexed her. One hour later, McGonagall finally asked the question she'd been dying to ask. She asked Dumblewhore, "Will you marry me?"

Dumblewhore replied, "Hell no bitch!"

McGonagall then asked, "I also have another question that is slightly less important and has nothing to do with your pimp cane. Is the rumor true?"

Dumblewhore yawned. Then he replied, "Whos yo daddy?"

McGonagall realized that she wouldn't be able to get an answer unless she responded. She replied, "You're my daddy."

"Damn straight biatch. As for the rumor, yes, I did have an eightsome."

McGonagall groaned. "Not that rumor. I'm talking about the Pornos."

Dumblewhore said, "Oh, they dead, but Harry did somehow defeat Voldemort, the evilest pedophile that every roamed the planet. Anyways, would you like a lemon Popsicle?"

"A what?"

Dumblewhore sighed. "A lemon Popsicle you dumb broad! They are so fun to suck. I do it all the time. I wonder how the muggles create such a pleasurable thing."

McGonagall sighed. So are you going to tell me why the heck you are here in the first place?"

Dumblewhore chuckled and said, "I'm going to rape the aunt. Then, I'm going to leave Harry here as a memento."

"You're one bad ass pimp."

Dumblewhore said, "You are lucky it's dark or otherwise you wouldn't see the boner in my pants. It hasn't been this big ever since the eightsome."

McGonagall asked, "Where is the baby now?"

Dumblewhore smiled and replied, "With Fagrid of course."

McGonagall exclaimed, "Fagrid? That dude is extremely careless. Remember the last time he was suppose to hook you up with those hookers from Mexico? Remember how he ended up having a huge orgy while you had to stand there and watch because he forgot your Viagra?

Dumblewhore said, "Look whore. Just because I like Fagrid more than you doesn't mean you have to be a bitch about it. Besides he made up for it by getting me a blond pussy. I would trust him with my wand."

McGonagall said, "Yes, wait, what was that?"

All of a sudden, a flying motorcycle landed in front of Dumblewhore. Out stepped a giant. He was twice as tall as a normal man and five times as wide. He was bigger than an average human in more ways than one. He also had a bushy beard which made him a mega pimp. In his hand, he carried a baby.

"Fagrid, you bad ass son of a bitch," said Dumblewhore. "Do you have the baby?"

Fagrid replied, "Yes I do. I was going to eat him, but I already ate enough babies tonight."

Dumblewhore then said, "Sorry I need to take a dump. Leave Harry Porno to his aunt. I'll rape her eventually."

While Dumblewhore entered the house to take his dump and rape Aunt Petunia, McGonagall said to Fagrid, "Well what do you know? You didn't fuck up!"

Fagrid replied, "Of course I didn't you fail whore. By the way, here is the baby." He handed the baby to McGonagall.

McGonagall said, "Oh so this is little Harry?" She then heard Fagrid cry out, "Oh crap!" She turned around and asked him, "What is wrong?"

Fagrid responded, "I left all of my prostitutes at the bar. I knew something was wrong when I wasn't getting a hand job while riding this thing!"

McGonagall sighed. "Well, at least you didn't eat the baby. Wait, what's this? He has a lightning shaped scar on his forehead. She then saw Dumblewhore exit the house and asked him, "So are you done raping the aunt?"

Dumblewhore smiled and said, "As a matter of fact, I just had a threesome while pretending to be a mailman. So anyways hand me the baby and then I can go with Fagrid and get some sexy time!"

Fagrid said, "Can I say good-bye to him?" Dumblewhore nodded. Fagrid gave Harry a kiss and then howled like a dog.

McGonagall asked, "Wait, what the hell was that?"

Fagrid said, "Sorry about that. I sorta have this bad habit that I howl like a dog when I jizz in my pants." He saw McGonagall and Dumblewhore looking at him strangely. "Don't judge me or I'll stick my umbrella up your butt.

Dumblewhore teleported away. McGonagall turned back into a cat and Fagrid went back onto his ghetto ride and drove away.

The next day Mrs. Dursley went out to give the mailman his "mail", when she tripped on a bundle of blankets outside her doorway. She saw that it was a baby, screamed and fainted. Harry Porno would spend the next few weeks being Fugley's new experimental toy. He didn't know at this moment, people were meeting in secret and having great orgies with their wands, all the while saying, "To Harry Porno – the boy who lived!"


	2. Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass

**Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass**

Nearly ten years have passed since the Dursleys found Harry Porno on their front yard. The photographs really showed the progression of Fugley. His penis at age 4, his penis at age 5, his penis at age 6, his penis at age 7, well you get the point. The Dursleys were really obsessed with Fugley's penis. When it reached 10 inches, it would signify that Fugley's a real man. However, even at age 11, it is only .2 inches. There were no pictures of any other kid in the house.

Yet, there was another kid sleeping in the house. His name was Harry Porno. However, he was asleep at the moment, but not for long. His Uncle Vernon was awake and smacking his face.

"Get up sex slave."

Harry rolled onto his back and got up. He saw Uncle Vernon's pants on the ground. Harry thought aloud, "Oh shit!"

One hour later, Harry exited his cupboard only to see his uncle again. He tried to hide behind the door, but then his uncle grabbed grab and shouted, "Can't let you do that."

Uncle Vernon ordered to Harry, "Suck my dick!"

About once a week, Uncle Vernon would order Harry to suck his dick. Harry must have sucked more dick than his entire class combined. Yet, once a week, he had to suck dick.

After he was done attending to his uncle, Harry was sitting in a dark corner cutting his wrists when Fugley finally entered the room. Fugley saw him and yelled, "You skinny bastard, you think you can sit there and just cut your wrists?

Harry said nothing and ran away like a little girl. What Fugley said made him very sad. "Not my fault I'm anorexic," thought Harry. Harry didn't like his appearance. He only liked his scar on his forehead that he got when his parents died. According to his uncle, they died of surprise buttsex. As he was thinking about his scar and surprise buttsex, Fugley grabbed him from behind and said, "I'm going to the zoo because it's my birthday today. I'm going to have sexual intercourse with a giraffe, but first my mother wants you to make her a sandwich. You're not going to the zoo though because you are a faggot."

All of the sudden the phone rang. A few minutes later, Aunt Petunia came back looking very angry.

"God damn it!" she said. "Mrs. Figg broke her leg. She can't babysit the sex slave." She pointed towards Harry.

Harry was ecstatic. Of course Mrs. Figg had broken her leg. Harry had been the one who had tripped her down the stairs. He hated Mrs. Figg with a passion. Her home always smelled of sex and she had always made him look at photos of every man she had ever slept with.

"We can phone Marge," Uncle Vernon suggested.

" We can't. Remember, we loaned him to her for use in her sex tape, but she said his performance was unsatisfactory and now she hates him."

Fugley now began to cry. Big boys don't cry, but he knew if he started to cry like a little bitch, he'd be able to convince his parents to do whatever he wanted.

"I dont't want him to come!" Fugley yelled as he sobbed. "He'll ruin my street cred." He then gave Harry the finger.

Just then, the doorbell rang. A moment later, Aunt Petunia opened the door and Fugley's best friend with benefits, Penis Polekisser walked in. He was the one who usually held down Fugley's victims as Fugley had his way with them. He'd then join in on the fun.

Half an hour later, Harry was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car. This was going to be his first time going to the zoo. Hell, it was his first time going to somewhere that wasn't school or a dark alley where he'd be mugged and beaten. Before they'd left, Uncle Vernon had taken Harry aside for one last dick sucking session.

"I'm warning you," he had said as Harry was sucking his dick, "I'm warning you right now bitch, try anything funny and I'll lock you in the sex chamber and have my way with you for as long as I want."

"I won't do anything, I swear," said Harry.

However, strange shit always seemed to go down. One time Aunt Petunia was in the midst of a bald head fetish and shaved Harry bald so she could lick his bald head. Harry spent a sleepless night thinking about how the kids in his school were going to beat him up even more than usual the next day. He was already the biggest loser in school to begin with. Next morning, however, he woke up and found that all of his hair had grown back. Furious, Aunt Petunia locked him in the sex chamber and brought in all of the neighbors to do whatever they wanted to him.

Another time, Aunt Petunia had tried to force a pink tutu onto Harry because she thought he'd look really stupid in it. However, as she tried to put it on Harry, it seemed to get smaller and smaller. Aunt Petunia finally gave up once it had shrunk to the size of a hand puppet. Surprisingly, Harry was only spanked a few times as punishment.

On the other hand, he'd gotten into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchen. It was Gangbang Tuesday and Harry was trying to run away from Fugley's gang when to everyone's surprise, he was sitting on the chimney. The school headmistress sent the Dursleys an angry letter telling them Harry was trying to become Spiderman. In response, the Dursleys had Harry dress up as Spiderman and then publically humiliated him.

But nothing was going to happen today. Harry was going to be on his best behavior. He wasn't going to have sex against his will and he wasn't going to do anything that would change that.

While Uncle Vernon drove, he was complaining to Fugley about motorcycles. "Only gay people ride motorcycles," he declared.

"I had a dream about motorcycles," said Harry. "It was flying, like a unicorn."

Uncle Vernon shouted, "Motorcycles can't fly. Unicorns are extremely gay. When we arrive at the zoo, you'll be spanked for your insolence."

After the spanking, Harry Porno and crew went to go get but some ice cream at the entrance. The Dursleys bought Fugley and Penis big chocolate ice cream bars. Harry had only gotten a small and cheap lemon popsicle. It wasn't bad either, Harry thought, licking it as he watched Fugley and Penis compare their ice cream bars to their penises and being very disappointed. Of course anything would be not bad when compared to Mr. Dursley's penis.

After they made it to reptile house. Fugley wanted to go there because he thought that was where the giraffe was. Instead he saw a snake sleeping behind the glass. Fugley thought it looked like a penis and compared it to his own, but came away very disappointed. "This is stupid," he said as he walked away.

Harry moved in front of tank where the snake was. The snake suddenly opened its eyes and then winked at him.

Harry stared. And stared. Then he blinked and though aloud, "Did the snake just hit on me?"

The snake hissed, "Yes, I did. Now find me a way out of here. I'll give you something very nice in return."

Harry blinked. "What the fuck I can talk to and understand snakes?" Harry thought. "This must be when some hot chick notices how special I am and comes to rescue me from my mundane life."

Unfortunately, Fugley saw that the snake was moving around. He pushed Harry out of the way so he could attempt to challenge the snake to a duel and regain some of his lost manliness.

Just then, the glass cracked and the snake escaped. The snake winked to Harry and said, "Thank you." He then handed Harry a penis pump and left. Fugley fainted as the snake crawled by his feet.

Unfortunately for Harry, Uncle Vernon happened to be watching the whole scene and said to Harry, "When we get back, you be staying in the sex chamber all night long. You'll also be watching the Disney channel with me all night long, while I give you my cockmeat sandwich."

Harry thought to himself. "Fucking shit!"

Later than night, Harry laid in the sex chamber. His uncle had finally gotten bored on the Disney channel and had left to spend some time with his wife. He wanted to leave the chamber and get some milk, but until he knew that the Dursleys were all asleep, he didn't want to take that risk.

He had lived with the Dursleys for almost ten years, ten miserable years, ever since his parents had died of buttsex. However, he had no memory of that every happening. Sometimes, he'd come up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on his forehead and penis. This, he supposed, was a result of the buttsex, but why would there be green light? Were his parents perhaps at a club? Or did his uncle slip in some drugs into his food and this was a drug induced vision? His uncle and aunt never talked about his parents and there were no pictures of them.

When he had been younger, Harry had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take him away, but it never happened. Yet sometimes it seemed as though strangers on the street knew him. Of course these strangers were some of the weirdest people Harry had ever seen. A tiny man wearing all purple had bowed down to him while he was out shopping with his aunt. A woman who looked homeless had waved to him on his way to school. A bald man wearing high heels had actually come to shake his hand. The weirdest thing was that whenever Harry wanted to get a good look at these people, they always seemed to vanish. Again, Harry thought these may just be hallucinations due to the drugs his uncle forced him to take.

At school, Harry had no one. Everyone knew Fugley's gang hated Harry and no one wanted to disagree with Fugley unless they wanted to become his next victim.


End file.
